Monday, November 28, 2005

Stalking the Christmas tree

A. Whitney Brown. Anyone remember him? He was on Saturday Night Live during the late 1980s, and later appeared on the Kilborn version of The Daily Show.

Later, I'd heard he'd been on Air America, but was fired for insubordination. I found a blog from about that time, but it's been inactive for 2.5 years. He might be doing an occassional diary entry on Dailykos, or someone has appropriated his name.

This is all setup for what used to be an annual email, A. Whitney Brown's tale of hunting the elusive christmas tree. He originally performed this as one of his The Big Picture commentaries delivered during the SNL Weekend Update (the good ones, with Dennis Miller). I've copied this from his collection of The Big Picture: An American Commentary; 1991, looks to be long out of print.

This is my annual Christmas story.

by A. Whitney Brown, from the chapter The environment, or the tale of the old tar:
I cut down my own Christmas tree every year, but I stalk it for a few hours first. I bagged a seventy-eight pointer last season. I surprised him in a clearing. He was just standing there, growing and throwing off oxygen like there was no tomorrow, dreaming his evergreen dreams. Oh, he was cunning. He thought he'd be safe there in front of the courthouse.

But when I got him home, he was still alive. I should have put him out of his misery, but 'twas the season to be jolly. So I put him in water to make sure he didn't die too quickly. Then I drilled thumbscrews into his little trunk and dressed him up with humiliating balls and stringed tin junk.

The whole family piled presents at his feet, and, just for a tease, we led him to believe they were his. While the rest of us celebrated the coming of he Prince of peace in the spirit of goodwill to all mankind, he withered and died in my living room.

At last he surrendered his essence into the air he helped create, leaving the sweet scent of his corpse as one las gift to the lumbering race. Finally, I ditched him in my neighbor's yard.

This story always makes me smile. Mr. Brown has left a cold internet trail, so maybe someone else will find this and be entertained. This also makes me smile because one December, back in the 1980s, some friends at St. Thomas decided they needed a Christmas tree. So they chopped one down. From the middle of Summit Avenue. Just a couple blocks from the governor's mansion. And dragged it almost a mile back to their apartment. Alcohol may have been involved. Good times, good times.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A. Whitney Brown is alive and well. He was a headliner at a comedy fetsival in my hometown several months ago (sporing 2005). He riffed on religion for 20 minutes or so...I think it was one of the funniest stand-up routines I've ever heard.

12/24/2005 01:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of my favorite things ever from SNL. I seem to recall some additional lines - something about opening the door to taunt him after covering him in tinsel and blinking lights, saying "go ahead, make a break for it - you'll blend right in"...

12/22/2006 08:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The above poster is correct, which makes me sad because this poor rendition of the amazing SNL skit has permiated the internet and it remains extremely difficult to find either a video or proper copy of this hilarious and endearing story.


8/30/2007 04:37:00 PM  
Blogger bill said...

Poor rendition? Fuck you, asshole. This is the version A. Whitney Brown put in his book. So go bitch to him.

Dumbass anonymous jerkwads.

8/31/2007 07:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He is alive!

4/12/2009 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger MsT said...

It's November 2011 and I'm trying to pick up the A. Whitney Brown trail again and post (now via FaceBook and Twitter) the link to this story of his "Stalking the Christmas tree". A. Whitney Brown speaks for idiots like me PLUS makes me (and others) laugh in the process.

11/30/2011 12:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ps: Mr. Brown married Carolyn Wonderland a few years ago in a ceremony officated my Mike Nesmith.

12/13/2014 09:37:00 AM  

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