Stalking the Christmas tree

A. Whitney Brown. Anyone remember him? He was on Saturday Night Live during the late 1980s, and later appeared on the Kilborn version of The Daily Show.

Later, I'd heard he'd been on Air America, but was fired for insubordination. I found a blog from about that time, but it's been inactive for 2.5 years. He might be doing an occassional diary entry on Dailykos, or someone has appropriated his name.

This is all setup for what used to be an annual email, A. Whitney Brown's tale of hunting the elusive christmas tree. He originally performed this as one of his The Big Picture commentaries delivered during the SNL Weekend Update (the good ones, with Dennis Miller). I've copied this from his collection of The Big Picture: An American Commentary; 1991, looks to be long out of print.

This is my annual Christmas story.

by A. Whitney Brown, from the chapter The environment, or the tale of the old tar:

I cut down my own Christmas tree every year, but I stalk it for a few hours first. I bagged a seventy-eight pointer last season. I surprised him in a clearing. He was just standing there, growing and throwing off oxygen like there was no tomorrow, dreaming his evergreen dreams. Oh, he was cunning. He thought he'd be safe there in front of the courthouse.

But when I got him home, he was still alive. I should have put him out of his misery, but 'twas the season to be jolly. So I put him in water to make sure he didn't die too quickly. Then I drilled thumbscrews into his little trunk and dressed him up with humiliating balls and stringed tin junk.

The whole family piled presents at his feet, and, just for a tease, we led him to believe they were his. While the rest of us celebrated the coming of he Prince of peace in the spirit of goodwill to all mankind, he withered and died in my living room.

At last he surrendered his essence into the air he helped create, leaving the sweet scent of his corpse as one las gift to the lumbering race. Finally, I ditched him in my neighbor's yard.

This story always makes me smile. Mr. Brown has left a cold internet trail, so maybe someone else will find this and be entertained. This also makes me smile because one December, back in the 1980s, some friends at St. Thomas decided they needed a Christmas tree. So they chopped one down. From the middle of Summit Avenue. Just a couple blocks from the governor's mansion. And dragged it almost a mile back to their apartment. Alcohol may have been involved. Good times, good times.