The return of Jack Sparks

Wherein my favorite correspondent for the music genre I have the least interest in


Let's start at the beginnng:

The world is full of things we don’t want to do, and that’s why I haven’t deleted the November 7th broadcast of the Country Music Association awards from my DVR. And thus we begin the 20th iteration of this column’s slow death march through roughly 3 hours of hillbilly pop drivel.

I have been noticeably absent from these pages. The reasons are many, and, at the same time, shallow. But what can I say? Sometimes life gets in the way of calling Kenny Chesney a talentless piece of shit 3 to 12 times a week.

YOU know he’s a talentless piece of shit, and I certainly know he’s a talentless piece of shit…so sometimes we all have to regroup and figure out new ways to call a spade a spade.

So, in the words of Bob Dylan…”awww Mamma, can this really be the end…”

This is a running diary, so bear with me…

Though he does like a few people, Big & Country wouldn't be in that group:

Here come Big and Rich. Fur coats and bull horns. I can’t overemphasize how fucking stupid this is. I would say we’re catering to the lowest common denominator here, but that would be insulting the lowest common denominator. You know who this appeals to? People who drool on themselves and eat chicken wings as the main course of a meal more than 4 times a week. Is today jell-o day and no one told me? Jesus fucking Christ.

You know what? Pause. “We like it Loud,” or whatever that fucking song was called was written for one reason…to make a commercial out of it somehow. It will be the soundtrack to some commercial for some steroid induced, testosterone soaked bullshit thing like 4x4 pickups or condoms or male body spray. Fuck you Big N Rich, you are the cocksuckers who are most at fault for murdering country music right now. Eat shit and die, both of you.

Trust me, Big & Rich got off easy compared to most everyone else.

Ok, almost to the end:

This might as well be Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie singing a Leo Sayer song right now. Fucking Christ. Can I die now?

I’m fast forwarding through this. I’m asking myself one question. Is this even Country? In any way shape or form? It’ can’t be. Just can’t.