Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Should be Institutionalized

Wherein this lady performs the almost impossible feat of making Starbucks the sympathetic party


Language Log coverage for the story
Sometimes I try to order food
And it just doesn't work out the way I want it to.
And I get real frustrated.
It's like, I try hard to do it
And I take my time
But it just doesn't work out the way I want it to.
It's like I concentrate on it real hard,
But it just doesn't work out.
And everything I do and everything I try,
It never turns out!
It's like, I need time to figure these things out.

There's always someone there going,
"Hey Lynne, you know, We've been noticing you refuse to specify butter or cheese.
You should maybe get away, And like, maybe you should talk about it, You'd feel a lot better."

I go, "I want my multigrain bagel!”
Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out you know. I'm just working on myself."

And they go, "Well, You're not going to get anything unless you say butter or cheese;
I'll be here ya know, And you'll probably feel a lot better if ya just said butter or cheese, So why dontcha just say it?!"
I go, " Linguistically, it's stupid, and I'm a stickler for correct English. I want my multigrain bagel"

But they just keep buggin' me,
They just keep buggin' me
And it builds up inside!

So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way

I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
Starbucks is driving me crazy - Institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from my enemy, Starbucks

Uh - I was in my classroom
And I was just like staring at the wall thinking 'bout everything
But then again I was thinking about nothing.

And then the Dean came in,
And I didn't even know she was there.
She called my name
But I didn't hear her.
Then she started screaming, "Lynne, Lynne!"
And I go, "What? What's the matter?"
She goes, "What's the matter with you?!"
I go, "There's nothin' wrong Dean."
She goes, "Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!"
I go, "No Dean, I'm just low on fiber.
I'm okay, I'm just thinking, you know.
Why don't ya give me a multigrain bagel?"
She goes, "No, you're on drugs!"
I go, "Dean, I'm okay, I'm low on fiber."
She goes, "No, you're not low on fiber, you're on drugs!
Normal people don't act in that way!"
I go, "Dean, just give me a multigrain bagel please,
All I want is a multigrain bagel."
And she wouldn't give it to me!
All I wanted was a multigrain bagel!
Just one multigrain bagel!
And she wouldn't give it to me!
Just a multigrain bagel!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
Starbucks is driving me crazy - Institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from my enemy, Starbucks

I was sitting in my room.
And the board of trustees came in.
So they pull up a chair and they sat down.
They go, "Lynne, we need to talk to you."
And I go, "Okay, what's the matter?"
They go, "Me and your Dean,
We've been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems,
And you've been going off for no reason.
And we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody,
We're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your best interest
If we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need."
And I go, "Wait! What are ya talking about?!
We decided?!
My best interest?!
How do you know what my best interest is!
How can you say what my best interest is!
And what are ya trying ta say, I'm crazy?!
When I ate your school lunches!
I went to your church potlucks!
I went to your institutional learning mixers with those misogynist mini-sausages on toothpicks!
So how can ya say I'm crazy?!


They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally, I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
Starbucks is driving me crazy - Institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from my enemy, Starbucks

...Doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a food cart anyway



1 Comments:

Blogger Camie Vog said...

Ha! If only she could appreciate how well you crafted this post. Thanks for the laugh.

8/18/2010 08:24:00 PM  

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