At least he expects a pigeon to crap on him
Let's discuss Evil Bert for a moment. If unfamiliar, you can catch up with this recent Hit and Run post, this article, and the Bert is Evil webpage, and then there's Snopes. Sure, it's worth a chuckle to imagine Bert as an evildoer throughout history. But the problem with this is that it works from the supposition that Bert isn't exactly nice to begin with and that Ernie is the friendly muppet. For those of us paying attention this is what we like to call "bullshit."
If Bert is evil, it's because his asshole roommate drove him over the edge and he finally snapped. You might be able to make the case for a worse roommate than Ernie -- and I'll discuss a few -- but he is definately the most unpleasant person/monster on Sesame Street. He's a vindictive, mean-spirited cheat with no morals or scruples. His modus operandi is ruthless badgering, with no regards for the feelings of his victim, until that victim finally cracks and agrees to go along with Ernie. At that point, Ernie changes the rules or decides he's finished and disappears, leaving the victim in a homicidal rage. And for some reason we're supposed to think that Ernie is the funny one and Bert is the one with the stick up his fabric ass. Again, I say bullshit.
A person who will constantly ridicule you, lie to you, cheat, and basically treat you as a doormat is no friend. Children should be taught that people like Ernie are not friends and should always be avoided. If this requires teaching a 3-year old the proper usage of "asshole" then so be it. Still, Ernie is just one of a long line of manipulative bastard "friends." Did you ever pay attention to Gumby? Possibly more of an asshole than Ernie. He screws everything up, then when Pokey has to fix it, Gumby takes all the credit. That green fucker. At least Ernie and Gumby are individual friends, not like that whole neighborhood of greedy, fascist bastards that the pleasant Rainbow Fish has to deal with. HOw did a book, whose entire premise is "only pretend to be friends with the gullible and insecure so you can crush their individualistic spirit," become so popular? We received one when The Child was an infant and I promptly threw it out. It's disgusting. I'd rather leave Hustler in the playroom.
Of current children characters, the one that most grates on my nerves is Franklin, the whiniest turtle in the whole-wide world. Good fucking God. If The Child acted like that, she'd get slapped. If she had friends like that, the only sensible recourse would be to tell the parents their child was an asshole. How the show can justify anyone being friends with Franklin is beyond me.
Go ahead and laugh at the funny "Bert is Evil" pictures, just so you know who the real evil fuckers are.