Thursday, October 18, 2007

Answering questions asked by Slate.com

Wherein I'm always willing to help


What should generals do if Bush orders a foolish attack on Iran? Slate says "resign, retire, renounce" and I'll go along with that. But forgets the unasked question "What should generals do if Bush orders a smart attack on Iran?" I suggest cake and ice cream followed by an afternoon of bowling.

Why are the biggest fossils found in Patagonia? Because that is where God put them to test our faith.

Could Gore Kill Iowa? Have you seen the size of the guy? He's like Louis Anderson. If he falls over in Dubuque he's taking Waterloo with him.

Why Vote When You Can Bet? Do both.

The man I like is wonderful—but not attractive to me. What should I do? Does he have a better looking best friend? If so, I think you see where I'm going with this. Otherwise, talk him into taking out a large insurance policy before a honeymoon cruise . I hear that late at night those decks get slippery near the railing. wink wink nudge nudge.

What is a criminal? Whatever the fascist police state says. Why are you asking? Do you have something you'd like to tell us?

How much carbon does a forest fire spew into the atmosphere? Is that anything like "if a woodchuck could chuck wood..."; if so, my answer is 7.

Could smaller elementary school classes make kids healthier? Yes. Because putting a bunch of diseased, plague-infested, snot-eating droplings together in one room is a bad idea. They should be raised at home in individual and soundproofed bubbles.

What happens when the government can't re-create the case against you? Dude, it's the government. There are entire departments that do nothing but manufacture fake evidence.


Why have even the environmentalists given up on the Salton Sea? Because they're a bunch of quitters. Oh the earth is dying what am I going to do Bitch bitch moan moan bitch moan whine. How about filling a couple of sandbags to keep the Atlantic ocean off my front lawn, granola boy?

2 Comments:

Blogger Icepick said...

If he falls over in Dubuque he's taking Waterloo with him.

We need to warn Reader.

10/18/2007 05:08:00 PM  
Blogger Icepick said...

The man I like is wonderful—but not attractive to me. What should I do?

Somehow this reminds of this here other story. [Warning: Long, disturbing story ahead, whose impact is not lessened by figuring it out early on.]

10/18/2007 05:18:00 PM  

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