Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A list of things I believe

Wherein part one

  1. The children are our future.
  2. For every drop of rain that falls A flower grows.
  3. Two is the loneliest number since the number one.
  4. Opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve.
  5. That the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap.
  6. Jamie Lee Curtis is genetically a female.
  7. Marilyn Monroe was a man but this tends to get over looked by our mother-fixated, overweight, sexist media.
  8. That somewhere in the darkest night A candle glows.
  9. Crazy little thing called love.
  10. Never trust a man in a blue trench coat, never drive a car when you're dead.
  11. Bacon can only come from pork belly. Turkey "bacon" is an abomination.
  12. Chai tea is redundant.
  13. Saturday night is all right for fighting.
  14. In you.
  15. Above the storm The smallest prayer will still be heard.
  16. I would mind if six turned out to be nine.
  17. Leibniz should get more credit for calculus than Newton.
  18. One space after a period, never two.
  19. Ain't lost yet, so I gotta be a winner.
  20. No, you're the man.
  21. There's a little yellow man in my head.
  22. My story is sad, but true.
  23. I know you'll get to like if you just give it a chance, now.
  24. Stick is better than automatic.
  25. We are the people our parents warned us about.
  26. It's alright when people say that those foolish kids can't be ready for the love that comes their way.
  27. This is genius, this is genuine, this is bullshit.
  28. A dream deferred is not always a dream denied.
  29. Deserve ain't got nothing to do with it.
  30. He is owed back his money and his black t-shirt; the dinner is on him, though.
  31. Titicaca and Uranus are never not funny.
  32. The Devil will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important.
  33. Do a commerical, you're off the artistic roll-call forever. And that goes for everyone...except Willie Nelson.
  34. Muddy Waters invented electricity.
  35. She's not a bad girl because she made me see how love could be. But she's a bad girl because she wants to be free.
  36. Rainbows have nothing to hide.
  37. If you want to know exactly where the American culture is, at that point in time, at that year, you watch the Superbowl at halftime.
  38. There ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
  39. A^2 + B^2 = C^2
  40. Wearing socks with sandles is stupid and embarrassing.
  41. Magicians aren't really magic. I believe they use trickery and deception to fool the audience.
  42. April showers bring May flowers.
  43. A single sheep should be called a shep.
  44. That right now I could hold my breath for 60 seconds. Nope, 43 seconds. Man, I'm out of shape.
  45. I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree.
  46. What a piece of work is man!
  47. The only decent Star Trek movie is Wrath of Khan.
  48. Never go with a hippie to a second location.
  49. How about now? 70 seconds!
  50. Life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew.
  51. Live every week like it's Shark Week.
  52. Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?
  53. That vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. 
  54. That a just God could allow someone to destroy a gold mine of prehistoric knowledge for a year's worth of Salisbury steak.
  55. The future is now.
  56. I am the walrus.
  57. That turkeys could fly.
  58. Speed kills, Del.
  59. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
  60. If you're gay, masturbation is practice.
  61. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!"
  62. Cushions are sofa parasites.
  63. It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.
  64. Love is here to stay.
  65. Less is more.
  66. It's a wicked world and faith comes and goes.
  67. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.
  68. People who need people are the laziest people in the world.
  69. People who need people are attention whores.
  70. A play with audience participation just means the actors are lazy.
  71. Yes it is [generic description of temperature] enough for me.
  72. A chair that comes with an instruction manual is a poorly designed chair.
  73. Functionality does not equal usability.
  74. Making love like molasses on a hot summer day.
  75. When pride has it in for someone, none of us can check the fall.
  76. People love to watch you die.
  77. I'm wrong about everything.
  78. I've got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
  79. Upon further reflection, the ending of Pretty in Pink is not necessarily evil. It's still wrong, but ending up with Duckie also would have been wrong.
  80. I am an old woman named after my mother.
  81. If dreams were lightening, thunder were desire, this old house would have burned down a long time ago.
  82. There's something going wrong around here.
  83. Tonight's the night I go to all the parties down my street.
  84. Tonight's the night.
  85. This could be the day I've waited for all my life.
  86. The economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation, which, coincidentally, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm.
  87. God spelled backwards does spell dog, but this signifies nothing.
  88. If those are my only two choices I will pick "working hard."
  89. I am in love and no longer open for persuasion. Thank you.
  90. The best things in life are free.
  91. Real men don't eat quiche.
  92. Real men do eat quiche.
  93. Real men eat whatever they want.
  94. I have a mind like a playground.
  95. Reading is fundamental.
  96. The bones in the ground never make a sound.
  97. The bones in the air well they haven't got a care.
  98. YOu can't roller skate in a buffalo herd.
  99. You can't a shower in a parakeet cage.
  100. Leave a door open and a fly comes in.
  101. There is no "I" in team, but there is a "me." And also: at, am, ma, tea, met, mat, mate, meat, tame.
  102. Turns out Rufus wasn't a tit man.
  103. That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball.
  104. You're goin drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop driving that hot rod Lincoln.
  105. In this. And this belief has completely altered my former estimate of what is good and bad, noble or base.
  106. That all men are created equal.
  107. Mary Ann is a better choice than Ginger.
  108. I once made a Barney the dinosaur likeness using an eggplant. That's a statement of fact not a belief, so feel free to ignore.
  109. It would behoove Sting to offer some legitimate opportunities instead of just haranguing Roxanne.
  110. Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning.
  111. Florida looks like a penis.
  112. T is for Texas.
  113. T for Tennessee.
  114. T is for Thelma.
  115. It isn't being green.
  116. These are a few of my favorite things.
  117. Objects are closer than they appear.
  118. This list is not meant to be used as a toy.
  119. Life is fair, get used to it.
  120. Life is like a box of chocolates.
  121. Life is like riding a bicycle.
  122. Life is like high school.
  123. Life is a pill which none of us can bear to swallow without gilding.
  124. Life is the distance between dreams and reality.
  125. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
  126. Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage.
  127. Life is like the sea.
  128. Life isn't what you want it to be, it's what you make it become.
  129. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression, and violence, and enjoy it to the full.
  130. Life comes with lousy odds. You wouldn't want to bet on it.
  131. Life is like a butterfly: it doesn't last long.
  132. The meaning of life is that it ends.
  133. Live by the gun, Die by the gun.
  134. Either get busy living, or get busy dying.
  135. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
  136. To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
  137. A man is like a spark. Some will start a fire, but most will burn out quickly.
  138. Every day is my best day; this is my life. I'm not going to have this moment again.
  139. Life is like pizza, When it's good, It's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
  140. Sex is like pizza, When it's good, It's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
  141. If man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.
  142. Opportunity is missed by most people because it's dressed in overalls and looks like work.
  143. The difference between theory and practice is that in theory there isn't any.
  144. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
  145. Life is like a sewer — what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
  146. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  147. That cock and bull story about his having been stowed away on board ship.
  148. That much of a man's character will be found betokened in his backbone.
  149. These are the times that try mens souls.
  150. A man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards.
  151. There is such a thing as a man being too proud to fight.
  152. The chief business of the American people is business.
  153. The secret of being a bore ... is to tell everything.
  154. All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.
  155. Whatever you do, stamp out superstition, and love those who love you.
  156. Men use thought only to justify their injustices, and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
  157. If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
  158. The English plays are like their English puddings: nobody has any taste for them but themselves.
  159. Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate!
  160. Nessun maggior dolore Che ricordarsi del tempo felice Nella miseria.
  161. What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing
  162. Any law which violates the inalienable rights of man is essentially unjust and tyrannical; it is not a law at all
  163. Any institution which does not suppose the people good, and the magistrate corruptible, is evil.
  164. There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.
  165. Common sense is the best distributed commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
  166. New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common.
  167. Crooked things may be as stiff and unflexible as straight: and men may be as positive in error as in truth.
  168. To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction.
  169. Written laws are like spider's webs; they will catch, it is true, the weak and poor, but would be torn in pieces by the rich and powerful.
  170. You can't step twice into the same river.
  171. In not meddling in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
  172. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
  173. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
  174. Gardens are not made by sitting in the shade.
  175. Gardens are best appreciated from the shade.
  176. Every Journey starts with one step.
  177. Every Journey starts with Steve Perry.
  178. Every Journey ends with Arnel Pineda.
  179. Wal-Mart spelled backwards is tram law.
  180. On some preference esteem is based; To esteem everything is to esteem nothing.
  181. All that is not prose is verse; and all that is not verse is prose.
  182. A learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant one.
  183. Evil is impotent and has no power but that which we let it extort from us.
  184. A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct.
  185. The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.
  186. A process cannot be understood by stopping it. Understanding must move with the flow of the process, must join it and flow with it.
  187. The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must reflect what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man.
  188. In an era when everything can be surveiled, all we have left is politeness.
  189. The difference between stupid and intelligent people—-and this is true whether or not they are well-educated—is that intelligent people can handle subtlety. They are not baffled by ambiguous or even contradictory situations—in fact, they expect them and are apt to become suspicious when things seem overly straightforward.
  190. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
  191. There's only four things we do better than anyone else: music, movies, microcode (software), high-speed pizza delivery.
  192. When you are wrestling for possession of a sword, the man with the handle always wins.
  193. We are all susceptible to the pull of viral ideas. Like mass hysteria. Or a tune that gets into your head that you keep on humming all day until you spread it to someone else. Jokes. Urban legends. Crackpot religions. Marxism. No matter how smart we get, there is always this deep irrational part that makes us potential hosts for self-replicating information.
  194. The simpler the molecule, the better the drug. So the best drug is oxygen. Only two atoms. The second-best, nitrous oxide—a mere three atoms. The third-best, ethanol—nine. Past that, you're talking lots of atoms.
  195. Atoms are like people. Get lots of them together, never know what they'll do.
  196. If there's a buzzing-noise, somebody's making a buzzing-noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing-noise that I know of is because you're a bee.
  197. The only reason for being a bee is making honey."
  198. For the people watching television, the millions and millions of the One Eye: they're not hurting anyone.
  199. Man is a marvelous curiosity. When he is at his very, very best he is a sort of low grade nickel-plated angel; at his worst he is unspeakable, unimaginable; and first and last and all the time he is a sarcasm.
  200. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen; all you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking...let things happen...and be...the ball.
  201. Never say 'no' to adventures. Always say 'yes,' otherwise you'll lead a very dull life.
  202. What we've got here is failure to communicate.
  203. If the rich could hire others to die for them, we, the poor, would all make a nice living.
  204. I always have a wonderful time, wherever I am, whoever I'm with.
  205. You're gonna need a bigger boat.
  206. Only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.
  207. Clothes make the man.
  208. The more you drive, the less intelligent you are.
  209. Life as a repo man is always intense.
  210. Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.
  211. We cross our bridges when we come to them, and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
  212. Between "just desserts" and "tragic irony" we are given quite a large scope for our particular talent.
  213. Dramatic irony: it'll fuck you every time.
  214. When you argue correctly, you're never wrong.
  215. It's hard for many people to believe that there are extraordinary things inside themselves, as well as others.
  216. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
  217. Scooby Doo was an indoctrination show created by the DEA -- they were all undercover agents. Roll into town, arrest the bad guys, take off; it all makes sense now.
  218. He who runs with haste, walks without dignity.
  219. That's some tough talk coming from a man who wears a basket on his head!
  220. If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.
  221. Once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
  222. All anybody wants is a normal life and a cool car. Most people settle for the car.
  223. Normal people can live with happiness. Screwed up people will try to destroy it.
  224. The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies, and has the power to lift you up or rip out your guts. It's even scarier if she knows your truths.
  225. Taco night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!!
  226. Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
  227. Beautiful people end up together. Show me the exception, and I will show you a relationship based on something even more shallow. Wealth, power, rock stardom and a .315 batting average.
  228. I was born a poor black man.


Blogger J. Bowman said...

See, and all this time I thought our media was malefic and sated. "Mother-fixated" makes more sense.

I believe that the dog should have been able to learn English in seven years. I believe that the cat actually speaks English, and just chooses not to.

3/18/2009 09:02:00 AM  
Blogger justkim said...

Suddenly, it all becomes very clear.

3/20/2009 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger reader_iam said...

Oh, Bill ...

vh: spongs

3/22/2009 02:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're an idiot.

5/05/2011 09:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL @ Anonymous 5/05/2011

12/14/2014 06:37:00 PM  

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