It's not me, it's you

wherein I forward ways you can improve yourself

Tonya makes resolutions for everyone else. I list the first two and resemble the first one:

First, it is not OK to wear wrinkled clothes to work. Yeah, I know all about the hip and just-got-out-of-bed look -- the tousled hair, the unshaven face, the slightly disheveled clothing. That look works when you are in your 20s and very good looking. You are neither. In fact, you are middle aged. MIDDLE AGED. And when your clothes are wrinkled, you don't look so much hip as you look homeless and unstable. So, please, iron your damn clothes.

Second, you will stop trying to set me up with losers. Am I wearing a sign that says "please introduce me to men who are so whipped by their former partner that they are now emotionally crippled?" No, of course not. And, while we're at it, I'm drawing the line at vegans too. What the f*ck is that all about? What on earth is their objection to dairy products?! As a compromise, I will continue to consider vegetarians. But, they had better be really hot vegetarians to compensate for the fact that their very presence makes me feel guilty for eating red meat.