Kellie Pickler is a big fat fatty mcfaker

Wherein writing this totally kills my protestations that I don't watch the show. I really don't. Honest. Oh, nevermind.


Is anyone really buying this bullshit? The answer appears to be "Yes."

Let's skip any dissection of American Idol itself. It's a show about bad singers singing bad songs, but people watch it anyway. Including at least one in the house who is not me. Still, we'll end up in the same room when it's on and I'll see a few minutes. Which is exactly what up happened last night.

Caught some 8-foot tomboy singing a song that I was sure would suck, but didn't. Then Kellie Pickler came out and they show a little flick about how she ate her first spinach salad. She's all cute and giggly and waving her hands like she's about to collapse from the southern belle vapors. Good god, make her stop.

Could she be any more manipulative and phony? She's from Albemarle, NC (Where the Terrorist Threat level is at 2 "Guarded" - potential threat. Go look, it's on the front of their webpage). Sure, this isn't the middle of Times Square, but it also isn't Hooterville Junction from the planet Hayseed in the Galaxy better known as East Bumfuck. This girl has a past and sooner or later photos from a Spring break trip to Panama City, the redneck Reviera, are bound to surface.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she is as sweet as can be and she's everything you see. Maybe. But one thing we can all agree on is that she just can't sing. Right? Let's be serious for a moment, she completely butchered a song that should not be that difficult to sing.

No one cares what Paula and Randy have to say, Simon is the honest bullshit detector, he'll rip her a new one. No, he also fell for the act; or, as this show is all about style over substance he's perfectly happy with insincere bubbliness.

Fine, I bet Ann Althouse won't put up with this nonsense:

Kellie Pickler sings "Something to Talk About," which is exactly the kind of song I abhor, but she's cute. We're supposed to like cute? Simon tells us America likes cute. And the truth is that when they show the recaps in the end, she's the one that comes across the best.

I am so disillusioned. I feel like the last guy at the end of that pod people movie.

Anyone else? Here's the Mercury News:

Kellie Pickler...had a perfect song for her voice ("Something to Talk About") and she seems to say something memorable each week. Last week it was "Pick Pickler!" Today it was that she ate something called "calamari" and that she could live with not having that again. Very cute.

Good to know the Mercury News is written by mentally disturbed third graders. What is wrong with you people. She can't sing and the cute thing is the biggest acting job since Rock Hudson pretended he wanted to sleep with Doris Day. Put her in a movie, but keep her away from the recording studio.

Let's find a quote that's much more incriminating sounding when taken out of context. From WCNC:

I heard she was waitressing and someone gave her a $100 tip,” Shepard said.

"Yeah baby," was the response from Austin Powers.

I'm not saying she's evil. I'm just saying she can't sing and she isn't as sheltered and innocent as she is being portrayed. From the same WCNC article:

Pickler told the Charlotte Observer her mother left her when she was two-years-old.

Her father Clyde Pickler was arrested several times in North Carolina for drunken driving, assault, and armed robbery. He's now serving time for stabbing a man in Florida.

Kellie Pickler was raised by her grandparents and calls them her heroes. People in Albemarle said her tough upbringing makes her story even better.

“Bout time we got something around here to talk about,” Smith said.

“I'm really excited for her, it feels like I'm there, I'm all nervous but I think she's going to make it,” Litaker said.

Pickler's dad is set to be released from prison on May 22, the same week of the American Idol finals.

And that is the last mention I will ever make of this show.

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