Stick and Ball, Stick and Ball, Stick and Ball
Before you read what's below, you must read Only mildly sports related at Fire Joe Morgan.
Let's not get sidetracked with the unfairness of HB 137 and twisting around the Death Race 2000 like statistics of highway fatalities; let's get back to celebrating the prose stylings of Mike Seate. This is a guy who uses the term "stick-and-ball" frequently and is not ashamed to do so.
Someone who not only uses his mid-market newspaper column to support and defend his hobby, but has written numerous books about this hobby. In fact, for Choppers (Drive. Ride. Fly), one reader was so enthused as to write:
"Seate's writing is lackluster at its best and painfully awkward most of the time, reading like the first draft of a work being produced on contract and on deadline. In three of the early vignettes in the book we are informed that "Colorado's Arlin Fatland has what you might call a wicked sense of humor," and that "Pat Kennedy of Tombstone, Arizona, is what you might call seriously old school," and that "Nothing about Kodlin's motorcycles is what you might call tradition- al." These excerpts are what you might call bad writing; the type of tedious template prose so devoid of creativity and enthusiasm for the subject matter that any editor worth the name would kick it back in disgust and demand another go. That's assuming there was an editor involved at all, and judging from the wealth of typos and awkward usages found in this book, there's little reason to believe there was. A truly ironic typo comes early in the going when in Seate's acknowledgments he pens this gem: "to Almetta, for never letting us forget the value of the wirtten word." Yes, folks, it says "wirtten." How's that for value?"
Damn fine value I say. People, let's stay focused.
And it's not just Mike Seate pimping (am I still allowed to say that?) mechanized competition over, uh, sticks and balls, here's NASCAR guy Gregg Leary:
Racing IS an amazing sport. Most stick and ball sports like baseball, basketball and football only require ONE ball. Racing, in most cases, requires TWO. As the T-Shirt says…”Racing…No Strikes…All Balls.”
Stick and ball sports only have TWO teams on the field at one time. NASCAR has 43 TEAMS on the same field at the same time. That would be more than the whole LEAGUE in the NBA, NFL, or MLB on the field at once.
Every race is like an All Star Game. The top athletes in racing compete against each other at EVERY event…not just once a year like in the stick and ball All Star Games.
In racing every RACE counts. There are only 36 so each one matters. In Baseball there are 162 games and in the NBA 82…plus the playoffs…so losing a few is no big deal. In stick and ball sports there is ONE winner and ONE loser in every event. In racing there is ONE winner and 42 LOSERS each race.
How insecure do you have to be to promote your own sport by denigrating another? Answer -- very. Minimum of 8.5 on a 10 point scale. Not this is rare, most arguments do take the form of "A is better because B sucks."
Both Gregg and Mike refer to football as a "stick and ball" sport. Unless they're counting the yard markers as the sticks I'm kinda thinking their sports knowledge is not well-rounded. So for future reference, here's a list of sports that may properly (even though we'll still laugh in your face for using the term) be referred to as stick and ball or stick-and-ball -- I'm agnostic on the hyphenation (feel free to discuss that) -- because...wait for it... they include a stick and a ball.
Stick & Ball Sports
- Pool and billiards, variations of
Rugby. What the hell is Rugby doing there? I think this is where I meant to write lacrosse -- because I initially skipped it and had to add it in -- but I apparently hit myself on the head and typed rugby while in a stupor. I apologize. In a misguided effort to save face I almost changed it to Australian Rules Football since it has those refs in the chester the molester raincoats waving flags whenever some scores a goal. Did I mention the flags were on sticks? Because without the sticks they could just as well be waving a towel.
- Field Hockey
- Tennis (Does badminton qualify? There is a ball at the end of the shuttlecock)
- Ping pong (Or table tennis if you're holding a ball with a stick up your ass)