You call yourself an elf, you son of a bitch?

Wherein this might be worth a plane ticket to Chicago


Over at Throwing Things, they are linking to an article about a "Write like Mamet" competition. Sounds fun - go over there for some more links.

My favorite Mamet parody is from the Toronto Second City (1996) with Melody Johnson, Bob Martin, and Jack Mosshammer. I didn't see it, but it's included with the CDs that come with this Second City History. A couple years ago, I found it on a clearance rack for $5. A steal for the CDs alone.

David Mamet got his start as a waiter at the Chicago Second City and this scene imagaines what Glass Menagarie would be like if Mamet was called in for rewrites. Wonderfully foul.

Players are Laura, the gentleman caller (now a real estate salesman), with comments from the play's director. This is a partial transcription:

Laura: Well, I have my glass collection.
Gentleman caller: You collect
Laura: Yes, glass
Gentleman caller: Glass
Laura: Exactly
Gentleman caller: A collection of glass
Laura: A glass collection
Gentleman caller: Little bottles and sh*t? That's stupid
Laura: Ornaments mostly. Mother calls them a glass menagarie.
Gentleman caller: Menagarie.
Laura: That's French do you know
Gentleman caller: I know what it means
Laura: Sorry I was only trying to
Gentleman caller: Sure. Menagarie. I've been around the block. Menagarie...trois...
Laura: This piece is my favorite one. Do you know what it is?
Gentleman caller: Yeah. It's a horse with a d*ck on its head....Isn't it though? Isn't it a horse with a d*ck on its head? Isn't it Phil? Isn't it a horse with a d*ck on its head?
Director: It's a unicorn, it had a horn.
Gentleman caller: No no no. But metaphorically speaking that's what it was. And Tennessee Williams never had the guts to say it. I want to say it here now. It's my favorite line in the play, Phil.
Laura: You see when you hold it up to the light how the light shines through the
Gentleman caller: D*ck on its head? Why land o goshen Laura, it even makes a rainbow on the f*ckin wall.
Laura: Man alive Jim, in some weird way it gives me confidence.
Gentleman caller: That that right there is your problem Laura. You got no balls.
Laura: Balls?
Gentleman caller: Yeah, balls.
Director: Point to the balls she doesn't have.
Gentleman caller: Balls. You got no
Director: Point to them, don't speak to them for christ sake.
Gentleman caller: You got no self-confidence. You gotta be selling yourself. Always be selling yourself. Otherwise your only friend is a stupid hunk of glass. You don't need it Laura.
Director: Then you smash it on the floor. There it is Laura, your shattered sexuality all over the floor. How's that make you feel?
Laura: f*cking mad.
Director: F*cking mad! So you search the shards of shattered glass and you look for the d*ck. Look for the d*ck. There it is, there it is. Pick it up and you shove it in his face and you express how you feel.
Laura: You stupid f*ck. I'm talking to you sh*thead. You just cost me $12.50. What are you going to do about it? What. Are you going to do about it. *SSHOLE!