I've heard worse ideas

Wherein I know I've watched worse movies

From Poppy Z. Brite: Shaq must be the next James Bond.

We're going public with this because of the recent talk about Puff Daddy, or P. Diddy, or Diddy, or whatever his name is this week, wanting to be the first black James Bond. This must not be allowed to happen. Diddy is handsome, all right, but there's no evidence that he can act and, due to the unfortunate societal mindset that there can only be one black element in a traditionally white idiom (e.g. newspaper funnypages featuring either "Curtis" or "Boondocks" but seldom both, even though the two strips are totally dissimilar), his likely-inept performance will spoil any chances of there being a second black Bond for ages and ages. Here's why Shaq must be the first [click for more]

Why stop there? I envision a whole franchise of movies starring Shaq. Not just any movies, but classics. He could play Rick in Casablanca. If you thought Daniel Day-Lewis was good in My Left Foot, imagine how great the Big Aristotle would be.

He's practically a modern day Jimmy Stewart, so let's let him recreate many of those classic roles. There's Shaq as the loveable town drunk in Harvey. Of course, we'd need to make the rabbit about ten feet tall; otherwise, perfect. Or the special interest protecting congressman in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Then we can watch the drama unfold as he plays the put upon banker in It's a Wonderful Life. Let's see Mr. Potter defeat the Shaq-fu.

Then, while I would love to hear Charles Barkley deliver Gordon Gecko's "Greed is good" speech from Wall Street, I can easily see Shaq in the Charlie Sheen role. Maybe Platoon? Scratch that, let's replace Tom Cruise with Shaq! You can't handle the truth, indeed.